


Drifting Away

by jane_x80



Series: Yellow Brick Road [7]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:37:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80
Summary: A series of vignettes showing the state of Gibbs and Tony's relationship over a year after the events ofYellow Brick Road, contrasted with the state of Derek and Tony's relationship in the months leading up toHit the Road.





	1. Gibbs - Fall 2017

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QueeneoftheDeer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueeneoftheDeer/gifts), [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/gifts).



> I was looking through my WIPs, letting the muse decide what she wanted to work on next after posting the stories for the [NCIS Reverse Bang 2017](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10923396/collections), and one of the comments received was from QueeneoftheDeer, who is my Queene and always a staunch supporter of my stories. My Queene pointed me towards two songs to be used as prompts, and I immediately became obsessed with one of them: Graham Nash's [Sleep Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs72DMHb5jw). It truly inspired this story and I listened to nothing else as I wrote this story.
> 
> The title of this fic is taken from the lyrics of the song.
> 
> There will be six chapters altogether, the first chapter containing Gibbs' POV, the next Derek's, alternating between Gibbs' POV and Derek's POV for these six chapters.
> 
> My Queene, I hope that the story doesn't disappoint. The song felt so sad to me and this is what it put in my mind. 
> 
> Also, [Red_Pink_Dots](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) kindly created the amazing artwork for the [Yellow Brick Road](http://archiveofourown.org/series/545161) series, which I've put in the series page, but I also wanted to put it in here so everyone can see it! Red_Pink_Dots also omegaread this story, so thank you for that, hon! :D

[](http://imgur.com/C3crXRg)  
  


**Gibbs – Fall 2017**

 

When Gibbs went up to bed after spending several quiet hours working on the boat in his basement, he found Tony asleep, sprawled on his belly, squishing what looked to be a folder of papers. The light was still on. Gibbs carefully pulled the folder out from under the sleeping man and as many of the papers as he could, smoothing them out and stacking them neatly on Tony’s bedside table, next to the messy pile of books, Tony’s plugged in cell phone and his watch. Tony’s books spilled onto the floor as he always had several of them going at a time, unable and unwilling to confine himself to one book at a time. And as Gibbs found out, he read voraciously and almost indiscriminately, from crime novels to obscure 16th Century Spanish poetry, to textbooks of various subjects, to comic books, biographies, journals, literature and just about every genre there was, and he liked to do this in bed when he had trouble sleeping.

He stood and gazed at the sleeping man for long minutes. It felt like he hadn’t seen Tony in weeks. And when he thought about it, it had been weeks since they had really sat down together long enough to talk. They both had jobs that kept them very busy. But that wouldn’t be the whole truth. That wouldn’t be the reason why they hadn’t talked properly in weeks.

Gibbs was man enough to admit it to himself. He’d been trying to avoid Tony for the past few weeks. Staying at work late even if the MCRT didn’t have a case, when Tony texted to say he was going to be home that evening and was planning to cook. He stayed in the basement for even longer hours, keeping himself busy while he heard Tony move around upstairs, watching a movie or more commonly, sitting on the couch and working while something played on the new big screen TV that Tony had talked him into installing. Every so often Tony would come down and bring him a cold beer or a cup of coffee – somehow Tony always knew what to bring him and when – and he would sit on his stair and try to speak, but Gibbs would answer with curt monosyllables until Tony gave up and retreated back upstairs.

Some nights he would hear Tony pack up and the front door slam, before the sound of Tony’s car backing out of the driveway and leaving. He never asked where Tony went or when the younger man would return. He assumed Tony would have gone back to his spacious new corner office at the Hoover building but he wasn’t sure. For all he knew Tony might have gone out to a bar to drown his sorrows. He knew though that Tony wouldn’t have gone home with anyone else. Not his Tony. Tony was loyal. Tony was a stalwart, loyal, faithful man, regardless of what he’d projected to the world. He’d given Gibbs his love and his trust, and now Gibbs was treating him the way he used to treat his ex-wives.

And the devil of it was they weren’t even fighting. Tony hadn’t done _anything_ to deserve Gibbs’ treatment of him, and he knew that that was what Tony wanted to talk to him about. The younger man wanted to ask what he’d done so he could fix whatever it was that was wrong between them. Tony always took the blame for whatever ailed their relationship and the thing that made Gibbs ashamed was that he _let_ him do it. Despite what he’d told the man at the beginning of their relationship, it was easier to let Tony shoulder the responsibility and the weight of keeping their relationship on an even keel, and take on the blame if their relationship wobbled, so he could continue to be the asshole bastard that he usually was. He didn’t even have any idea why he was doing this. He loved Tony. God knew he loved the man more than he loved life itself. More than he loved all of his ex-wives put together. He loved Tony in an all consuming way that might even rival how he’d loved Shannon.

And maybe that was the problem. Tony wasn’t just someone he wanted to throw away. Tony he wanted to keep forever. And that made him feel guilty. For the first time in decades, someone was in his heart in a very definite way, and he was not coping well with this truth. Not at all. He’d loved Tony in secret for so many years, refusing to acknowledge his feelings for the man, hiding himself from the truth, from the the pain and the joy of truly loving someone. Until he almost lost Tony. Then he’d finally taken the steps to tell Tony the truth and ask for a place in his life.

And now this. This problem with having Tony in his life, openly loving him and being loved back. He wasn’t handling it well, hadn’t been for a while. But instead of talking to Tony about it, he’d started a campaign of pushing Tony away, avoiding and ignoring him, and knowingly allowing Tony to take the blame for this breakdown in their relationship. Abby, McGee, all of Tony’s NCIS friends would automatically blame Tony for any rifts in their relationship. After all, Gibbs was never wrong and never at fault. Tony, the ex-womanizing unfaithful cad had to be the one to blame.

And god help him, Gibbs let them think that. Let _Tony_ think that. Let Tony believe that he was the one in the wrong even though Tony was blameless and so fucking beautiful, the way he always was. His beautiful heart was the reason why Gibbs had fallen so hard for him, and was the reason why Gibbs was punishing him. Because how dare he be a true rival to Shannon?

Gibbs had moved Tony into his home within a few months of them starting their relationship. Not just into his home, but into the bedroom that he’d shared with Shannon. The bedroom that he had finally started using again. The bedroom that he’d kept all of his ex-wives out of. And although Tony had initially resisted moving in with Gibbs, citing that Gibbs would get tired of him because he was Tony and everyone got tired of Tony, Gibbs had convinced him to sell his apartment, put most of his belongings in storage – temporarily – and to move in with him. They were spending every night together and it seemed a waste of money for Tony to keep his apartment.

And eventually Tony had capitulated. Because Tony always gave in. Tony always gave Gibbs what he wanted. So he’d moved in even though Gibbs knew he had reservations about it, and had taken over the closets in both the master bedroom and the guest bedroom. He’d convinced Gibbs to put up a big screen TV in the living room and Gibbs had even made beautiful shelves to house at least some of Tony’s movies and books. But they didn’t have room for Tony’s piano or a bunch of his furniture and appliances, so he’d moved these things to a climate-controlled storage unit and stored practically everything else that didn’t fit into Gibbs’ house there temporarily. The idea was that he and Gibbs would clear out the dining room, the one that they never used, and do some renovations, and then Tony would have a home for his piano and they would also find a home for all of the things Tony couldn’t bear to part with.

But a year later, the piano was still in storage, as were most of Tony’s things, and no renovations had even been started. At first Tony kept asking him about the renovations, teasing Gibbs and making it known that he missed his piano, especially. But now Tony had stopped asking him, or hinting about missing his piano. He’d even stopped playing his guitar for Gibbs, something the older man had used to love to coax him into doing.

And so, Gibbs stared down at the beautiful man in his bed. His lover. His boyfriend. His heart and his soul. He missed his Tony so much. They hadn’t so much as eaten together in weeks. Tony still called him to check in and give him a status of what was going on with him. But he’d been ignoring the calls and letting it go to voicemail, and the messages Tony left him were now terse and to the point, where a year ago he would have left flirty, breathless, innuendo filled messages, these days it was more “Caught a case. Will be in Denver for a couple days. Let you know when I’m headed home” or “Won’t be home tonight” or “Coffee delivery today. Bring the box in from the front porch” or some such. There were no more pet names, no more extraneous inane chatter, no yabba yabba, or excitement, no declarations of love, in fact barely any emotion in any of the messages.

And it was Gibbs’ fault. Entirely.

Tony’s face was smooth in sleep, his hair mussed. But his expression was one of weariness and sadness. One arm was bent under his body, the other tucked under his pillow. He was half out of the covers, his bare back exposed, and one bent leg free of the covers, the sheet barely covering his still-pert ass and his other leg. Tony still slept naked, and was still golden and muscular and fucking beautiful. But even in sleep, Tony stayed squarely on his side of the bed now, even hugging the edge of the bed, as if he were trying to maintain a distance between himself and Gibbs’ empty side of the bed. Even asleep, Tony was carefully not encroaching into Gibbs’ territory.

The days of Gibbs going to sleep and waking up with Tony in his arms seemed to have stopped. Even in sleep now, Tony was maintaining his distance. Even asleep, his subconscious was keeping him to his side of the bed. And all Gibbs had to do to rectify this was reach out and pull him back into their shared space. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it even though he loved this man more than he loved his own life.

Even though Tony was his beacon. His everything. Even though he couldn’t stand to see Tony sad and in pain. Even though he was the one to make Tony so unhappy.

He knelt on the bed and gently pushed Tony’s hair out of his face. He leaned down and kissed Tony’s forehead and calloused fingers tenderly ran down his cheekbone and fingered his full lips, slack in sleep. Tony’s lips quirked up into a small smile and he sighed, resettling his body, leaning into Gibbs’ caress.

Inexplicably, Gibbs’ eyes brimmed with tears. What the hell was wrong with him that he was so obviously throwing Tony away again? Why couldn’t he be a fucking man and just fix this, just reach out to Tony to pull him back to him when he’d been the one to reject all of the younger man’s overtures? He didn’t know. It shamed him. And it made him hide himself away even more, prolonging the cycle.

Sighing, he turned Tony’s lamp off and got himself ready for bed. He slipped into the bed, the bed that he’d shared with Shannon, and now shared with Tony, and for the first time in weeks, he turned to Tony and kissed his hair. He kissed Tony’s forehead and cheek, gently kissed his ear and his neck, and peppered soft kisses down his back, stopping only when his hot tears started splashing onto that golden expanse.

He pulled away and knuckled the moisture out of his eyes before he ran his trembling fingers down Tony’s back. Tony moaned appreciatively in his sleep, rutting gently into the bed, and Gibbs’ dick hardened. Tony still drove him crazy in bed, aroused him more than he could even describe. Filled his senses with his sounds and his scents, and his golden skin all his for the taking, vivid green eyes half lidded and seductive, perfect full lips kiss swollen and exaggerating the cupid’s bow, his dick hard and leaking in Gibbs’ hand. Tony aroused him the way Shannon had.

And that made it a problem.

Gibbs willed his erection down and laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling, missing Tony so damned much even though he was inches away, and it was wholly in his power to pull Tony into his arms and let the younger man curl around him in his sleep, as was his habit. As used to be his habit.

Instead, he stayed where he was, listening to Tony’s little snuffle-snores, the sound which always made him thankful. Because it meant that Tony was breathing, was alive, and was healthy.

What more could he ask for?

He laid on his back, blinking at the ceiling for hours. Sleep escaped him.


	2. Derek - Spring 2016

**Derek – Spring 2016**

 

Derek knew that Tony had never truly been his. Even in the beginning, Tony had never spent the night in his arms. Never slept so deeply as to stay in his bed until morning arrived. But lately, Tony had to have been either completely exhausted, or injured in order to fall asleep with him, even for a short nap after their still incredibly satisfying bouts of sex.

Tony used to fall asleep regularly after they had sex. He used to sleep right through Derek cleaning them up, and settling himself, usually as the big spoon wrapped around the already sleeping man. But lately, Tony had been getting himself out of bed and on his way after the sex was done, the way he used to when they first started going out. That is, unless he was too exhausted from overwork, or injured, also because of work.

Tony was throwing himself into work as an avoidance tactic, and Derek wasn’t sure whether he was avoiding his work troubles, or Derek himself. Something seemed to be different about Tony and he didn’t know what it was.

Tonight was one of those nights where Tony was too exhausted to fight sleep after their mutual orgasms. He was sacked out on the bed, lying on his side, one arm tucked under the pillow, his breaths shallow and even. Derek even managed to slide the covers out from under him and pull it up around his waist. No reason to cover him all the way up now, Derek thought, admiring his toned chest and arms, broad shoulders, and the smattering of chest hair. Derek leaned over him, smiling softly. He rarely got to see Tony this vulnerable anymore. Asleep, Tony always looked young. His face smoothed out and he looked so peaceful.

Derek ran a hand through Tony’s hair and kissed his temple. Tony sighed and smiled in his sleep, making Derek smile even wider. His boyfriend was too damned adorable. He kissed Tony’s temple and forehead, and his hair, and that spot right below his ear, just to hear him moan softly in his sleep. He ran the back of his fingers down Tony’s cheek, admiring again that impeccable bone structure and amazing profile. Sighing, he settled in, his chest barely brushing against Tony’s back, not wanting to wake him up. But he was spooning the younger man, and kissing the back of his neck.

Tony sighed and pulled Derek’s arm around his waist, lacing their fingers together. He sighed again, and moaned softly as he wiggled himself backwards until he was settled, his back flush against Derek’s front, which made Derek’s cock twitch valiantly, even though they’d just had some athletic sex and Derek’s orgasm had been extremely satisfying.

The sex was still electric between them. Derek had never been so satisfied with a bed partner in his life, and he knew that that wasn’t just because of their physical attraction. Derek was in love with Tony and that was his biggest secret. Tony didn’t want his love, didn’t ask for it, didn’t expect it. And he suspected that if Tony knew about it, he would run. He’d been clear that he didn’t do love or commitment, and Derek had agreed to a casual relationship.

A year later, it wasn’t as casual for him, but he’d allowed Tony his freedom. Tony had dated his ex after he’d spoken to Derek about it. And made sure that Derek didn’t mind a somewhat open relationship and wouldn’t be hurt by it.

Which of course Derek had agreed to despite the fact that it had hurt him terribly to picture Tony with this woman who he’d had a previous sexual relationship with. Hurt that Tony hadn’t thought enough of him that he deserved Tony and only Tony. Hurt that his feelings for Tony ran so much deeper than Tony’s feelings for him, even knowing that Tony had had no idea about it. And of course, hurt that he had had to agree to share Tony with this Zoe, because the alternative would have been to break up with him and that was unacceptable. He would take Tony however he could, even if it meant he had to put his own heart in a box and pretend it didn’t exist, as long as he could still keep Tony in his life.

The day that Tony told him about breaking up with Zoe for the last time had been one of the happiest he could remember. Tony was his again, completely. Or as completely as Tony could be anyone’s.

Tony’s fingers tightened around his, bringing him back to the moment. He laid there, pressed snugly up against Tony, enjoying how Tony felt against him, the feel of Tony’s warm skin on his, Tony’s musky scent filling his nostrils. He nuzzled the back of Tony’s neck and his hair, soaking up the unconscious contented sigh and tightening of Tony’s fingers around his. He slid himself even closer, arm slung possessively around Tony’s waist, wanting so much for this man in his arms to truly be his. He kissed the back of Tony’s neck again, wishing that whatever it was that was going on with Tony it would allow him to accept comfort and help from Derek, instead of Tony bullying through it alone and retreating from him.

Derek laid there, enjoying feeling Tony in his arms, the peaceful breaths, the fingers that continued to be interlaced with his, his arm around Tony’s waist. He remained wide awake while Tony slumbered, wanting to hold tight to the feeling of Tony in his arms as long as he could, before Tony left his bed which he always did halfway through the night. And in a few hours, when Tony awoke, he feigned sleep while Tony crawled out from his arms and readied himself to leave. It was hard to fake it when, after he was dressed, Tony leaned down, ran his fingers through Derek’s hair, and gently kissed his cheek before he left the room, closing the bedroom door softly behind him.

Tony had never stayed in bed with him the whole night. Never. And it still hurt him every time Tony left him.

After he heard Tony’s car drive away, he turned to lie on his back, staring up at the ceiling, one arm stretched onto Tony’s side of the bed, hating that it was already cooling. He pulled Tony’s pillow into his arms and curled up around it, breathing the scent of Tony on it deeply, already missing him and wishing he was back in his arms again.


	3. Gibbs - Fall 2017

**Gibbs – Fall 2017**

 

They hadn’t had sex in weeks.

In the beginning, they’d been fucking multiple times a day, despite their ages. And even after that heady beginning, of averting the disaster of Tony leaving Gibbs for parts unknown, they had enjoyed a healthy sex life. Really, it was inevitable when in a relationship with Tony DiNozzo. It didn’t matter that Tony wasn’t a frat boy or a young buck anymore, his libido and sex drive still was.

But Tony hadn’t reached out to him for anything more than a perfunctory kiss when they were in public, and no kisses at all when they were alone. Not since he’d kicked Tony out of bed for trying to give him a blow job after they’d been making out before bed.

“Fuck it Tony! Not everything is about sex. Don’t make everything about sex. I just don’t want you right now,” he’d told the younger man, pushing him roughly away, even though his cock had been aching and throbbing and begging for Tony’s talented mouth.

“What?” Tony had been puzzled and hurt. Gibbs hadn’t been complaining about the kissing and groping they’d just been engaged in, and had clearly been aroused. Gibbs knew that he’d been giving off the ‘let’s fuck’ signal to Tony, no question, and Tony was not only an expert in reading when people wanted him sexually, but he was an expert in reading Gibbs. And this was not where Tony had expected this to go, hell it wasn’t where Gibbs had expected it to go but he’d pushed Tony away instinctively.

“Just go to sleep, all right?” Gibbs had told him, turning away grumpily, punching his pillow.

Tony froze, staying still, breathing in soft pants. He knew that Tony didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to handle this abrupt bucket of iced water on his head.

“Gibbs?” he’d asked, his voice hesitant. “I’m sorry. Look, I know it’s not just about sex…”

“Just shut the fuck up and go to sleep, DiNozzo.” Gibbs heard the words come out of his mouth and he couldn’t – wouldn’t – stop himself. Even though he hated himself a little more for it.

“OK. Maybe we can talk about this in the morning. I’m sorry, Jethro. Whatever I did, I’m sorry. You can tell me what I did wrong and I won’t ever do it again, OK?” Tony said, his voice soft and apologetic, and Gibbs could hear that note of hurt, surprise, and bewilderment in his voice.

“It’s nothing,” Gibbs mumbled, trying now to salvage the situation, knowing that Tony would flagellate himself for some perceived slight. Because that was what Tony did. He took whatever Gibbs dealt out and blamed himself for it. It was what he’d done when they worked together, and now, even though they no longer worked together, Gibbs was still able to make him do this. And this time it was much worse than when Tony took the blame for work crap, he was now taking the blame for Gibbs’ stupid personal crap.

“I’m still sorry,” Tony whispered, and Gibbs felt tentative fingers on his shoulder. “Please, Jethro.”

“Don’t touch me!” Gibbs hissed, shaking Tony’s hand off, as his dick continued to throb. “You’re always _touching_ me.”

“Oh,” Tony gasped breathlessly, pulling his hand back as if Gibbs’ flesh had burned him. “Sorry…”

“Stop fucking apologizing and just keep your hands to yourself,” Gibbs snapped, again unable or unwilling to stop himself. “Fucking shut up and go to sleep, DiNozzo. If you can’t even do that, then just, I don’t know, leave me alone. Go somewhere else tonight.”

Tony couldn’t stop the sharp inhale, the soft gasp of shock. Gibbs turned and watched as his lower lip wobbled, and he got out of bed and pulled clothes on haphazardly. He grabbed his wallet, keys, phone, gun, swept his work papers into his backpack and he’d disappeared without another word, by then his face a blank, expressionless mask. Gibbs wasn’t even sure if Tony had put shoes on before he left. And for whatever reason, he couldn’t seem to make himself stop Tony from leaving. Couldn’t just take back his ugly words.

And since then, Tony hadn’t voluntarily touched him. Not once. Not even in his sleep, that was if Tony even came home to sleep in their bed because Tony hadn’t been home very much in the last few weeks.

He missed it. Missed Tony’s touch. Missed the little touches that Tony had always been so generous with. Things like, running his fingers over Gibbs’ shoulder as he walked by, or running his fingers idly through Gibbs hair as they sat on the couch, or just holding Gibbs’ hand for no reason. But Tony had stopped it all after being summarily kicked out of bed for no reason.

But there _was_ a reason. The reason being that Gibbs wanted him too much. Gibbs wanted him, wanted to possess him, wanted to own him, wanted to fuck him in the way that he had fucked Shannon. And that couldn’t be allowed to continue. Because how could he do that to Shannon? It was a betrayal that he couldn’t forgive himself. And because Tony made him feel that way, then it was Tony’s fault that he was betraying Shannon.

The ex-wives hadn’t affected him this way. Only Tony. Which meant that he had to punish himself, and punish Tony. He had to stop this unbelievable betrayal of the one true love of his life. Because Tony wasn’t the love of his life. And he ignored the voice that told him that Shannon wasn’t the only true love of his life anymore. That Tony had become it as well. And he ignored the little voice that told him that it wasn’t a betrayal of Shannon’s memory because Shannon had let him go, had told him to be happy.

And Tony made him so fucking happy that it hurt.

He ignored it all, and took his pain out on Tony. Because that was what he did best. It was how he’d coped throughout the years, and it was how he would continue to cope, knowing that he was hurting Tony and killing their relationship. Maybe even slowly killing Tony himself. None of that mattered, except the protection of Shannon’s memory and his own damned heart.


	4. Derek - Spring 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I skipped posting yesterday. RL is rearing its ugly head. :)

**Derek – Spring 2016**

 

Tony never turned him away. Whenever Tony showed up or if they had a date, they always ended up having sex. Tony was adventurous and exciting and insatiable. He was never too tired or not in the mood. Tony was always ready to play with him, and happy to push at Derek’s boundaries.

They’d had sex in bed, in restaurant restrooms, in alleyways, in their respective cars, in pay by the hour cheap motel rooms, in the shower, in a hot tub, and once, Tony had given him a hand job under the table in a booth in the back of one of the classiest restaurants in DC, catching Derek’s come in his classy linen napkin, which, Derek observed later, Tony slyly pocketed and took with him. And the thought that Tony smuggled his come away, that he'd jerked Derek off in public in an expensive, jacket and tie establishment made Derek get hard again for his sexy, intrepid boyfriend.

Tony was the most sensual and tactile person that Derek had ever met. It was as if he was starved for touch – he freely gave away his own touches, and Derek was happy to reciprocate. Tony took the time to map out Derek’s entire body with his fingers and his mouth, learning all of the places that made Derek pant and moan and beg. He even used his scorching green-eyed gaze to caress Derek, making him shudder with just a look.

But it wasn’t just the sexual touches. Tony was constantly touching him, casual gestures – patting his shoulder, or his arm, nudging him with a gentle elbow, kicking his feet under the table as they spoke. He punctuated his words with a touch or a gesture as easily as he breathed. And it wasn’t just with Derek. He was that way with everyone.

He hugged and kissed Derek’s daughters much in the way that Derek himself did. He patted the backs and arms of waiters, waitresses, maître d’s, random people in line with him at the coffee shop. He was a tactile person, always ready with a smile and a reassuring touch.

But ever since they’d gone to his niece’s wedding, Tony had become more distant. Derek was still fucking Tony stupid every time Tony came over, but they weren’t hanging out anymore. They weren’t going out to eat together, or sitting and watching movies together. Tony wasn’t casually touching him as much anymore, and every time he saw Tony cuddled on the couch with Lauren, he wanted to scream. Because Tony had stopped cuddling with him and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know why almost overnight, Tony had started treating him like a true booty call instead of a fun casual boyfriend. He didn’t think Tony was seeing someone else again, because Tony would have talked to him about it first. He had when he’d wanted to see Zoe. And given how Derek had been open to Tony dating Zoe without it affecting their relationship, he didn’t see why Tony would now feel the need to hide things from him.

But something had happened, and it felt to him like Tony was trying to tell him something but somehow not able to get the words out. He had a bad feeling that he wouldn’t like what Tony would say, so he chose to ignore it. Ignore all the times that Tony tried to speak to him, instead, distracting him with as much sex as he could possibly get away with.

But he couldn’t deny just how much it hurt not to feel Tony’s fingers on him, or his elbow nudging him, or Tony just sighing and leaning his head against his shoulder. Why the hell he had to fall in love with someone so fucking prickly, he didn’t know. But Tony was Tony and that was everything to Derek. He would take whatever Tony was willing to give him. All he wanted was to keep Tony with him.

It didn’t matter that some nights when Tony did sleep in his arms, he’d say a name that wasn’t Derek’s and break Derek’s heart. It didn’t matter that Tony didn’t love him. It didn’t matter because he loved Tony and he wanted to be the one to give Tony whatever he wanted, whatever he needed. Because Tony deserved love. Tony wasn’t looking for love because he thought he didn’t deserve it, and he didn’t look for permanence because he had never had it, and had always been the one left behind. He’d been abandoned by his parents, left by his ex-fiance – oh, Derek had ideas about what he would do if he ever met Wendy – and now his team at work, his beloved found family was also pushing him aside and leaving him behind. He knew that Tony was shattering inside, and he wanted so much to be the one that Tony reached out to for help and for comfort, and offered as much of it as he could, grateful for the few times that Tony would fall asleep and snuggle into him or lace their fingers together. Or smile when he kissed his forehead in his sleep.

Derek hoped that whatever it was that was bothering Tony that he would come out of this funk and go back to the usual casual touches, the fingers skimming on his back, a hearty smack on his bicep. Anything. He would take anything, other than half formed sentences that he’d hastily kiss away. Because he didn’t think he would like what Tony had to say.


	5. Gibbs - Fall 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again sorry for the delay in this chapter. I'm also behind in replying to comments so I'll try to catch up on that. The RL stuff should be easing up somewhat now :)

**Gibbs – Fall 2017**

 

Gibbs came home after working on a case around the clock for almost a week straight. It was after 0300 when he trudged into his house. Tony’s car was parked in the driveway, so he knew that his boyfriend was home.

He climbed wearily up the stairs, shedding his clothes as he went up and uncharacteristically for him, he threw his clothes on the floor of the bedroom. He crawled into bed and, without thinking, reached over to slide himself around his sleeping boyfriend, even though they hadn’t been talking or touching in so long he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d spoken in person to Tony. And he jumped, bolting upright and feeling around on Tony’s side.

He wasn’t there.

Tony wasn’t sleeping in their bed. But his car was in the driveway. Where the hell was he?

Gibbs immediately got out of bed, picked up his gun and went downstairs, sweeping his house methodically from the basement up. Finally he found Tony sleeping in the guest bedroom – the bed that Tony used to occupy way back when, before Gibbs pushed Tony away at work, before Tony didn’t come around anymore, before Tony was thinking about leaving the MCRT. Back when he begged Gibbs to let him stay over when the boiler in his apartment broke, or just the bad nights when all Tony could do was drink and drink and collapse into bed. Gibbs had let him use the guest bedroom pretty freely at some point.

But why was Tony sleeping in here again when they had a perfectly good bed, one that they were supposed to be sharing now, in the master bedroom? In the room that he’d allowed Tony to sleep in now. The room that he hadn’t given his ex-wives access to. The room that he’d shared with Shannon. Why was Tony turning away from this, and going back to sleeping alone in the guest bedroom?

Gibbs stood, watching Tony sleep for the longest time. Tony did not look at peace. He looked tense and worried. He looked sad and unhappy. He looked utterly exhausted, which was probably why he was even sleeping at all. And Gibbs knew, he _knew_ that he’d put those feelings into his beloved, because he couldn’t pull his head out of his own ass long enough to be able to give Tony the love he deserved.

Tony was hurting so much now that he wasn’t even sleeping in their bed, even when he _was_ home. Gibbs hadn’t been home enough to notice it, and now he wondered, how long had Tony been sleeping in the guest room? The night stand next to the bed in the guest room now held all of Tony’s regular detritus – his work papers, laptop, his phone, watch, wallet, his gun was no doubt in the side table drawer. Even his piles of books had been moved into the guest room.

Gibbs ducked his head back into the master bedroom and saw that Tony’s side table was bare now, except for the lamp. None of his things were scattered about. Gibbs’ heart started to pound and that ache in his chest, that tight ache that signified a panic attack was about to start began, and he started his breathing exercises, not wanting to collapse right there in the middle of the guest room as he stared at his boyfriend who had moved himself out of their bedroom.

Gibbs strode to the bathroom attached to the master bedroom and swept the shower curtain aside. Tony’s ten bottles of hair product were missing. His shaving things and his toothbrush weren’t at the sink. He ran to the guest bathroom down the hallway and saw that all of the missing things had been relocated there.

Fuck.

Tony had moved out of their bedroom and their shared bathroom. Tony had finally established a physical boundary between them. Tony was responding to Gibbs enacting psychological barriers against him by putting up concrete, physical ones. And responding to Gibbs pushing him away by allowing himself to be pushed away.

Fuck!

Tony was supposed to understand that Gibbs needed his space. Needed his pain. Needed for him to not be competition for Shannon. Needed for him to stay in his place. Needed to stay in Gibbs’ bed, even though Gibbs was a bastard. Needed to stay in Gibbs’ life even though Gibbs was making his life a living hell.

_Fuck!_

Tony was leaving him. And all he could do was blame himself. Because he was to blame. He had been pushing Tony away for months, and it was to Tony’s credit that it had taken this long to get this far.

Gibbs tiptoed over to the bed and stared down at his sleeping boyfriend. Tony looked so sad and so tired and so defeated. And Gibbs had done this to him. His beautiful golden boy was so sad now, and it was all his fault.

Gibbs sank to his knees and gently petted Tony’s hair. He leaned forward and kissed Tony’s forehead. Tony frowned and flinched away from his touch, settling himself more comfortably with a snuffle snort that Gibbs still found more endearing than he would ever admit.

Gibbs gave him a moment to return to his shallow even breaths, before he allowed his fingers to caress Tony’s face.

Again Tony frowned in his sleep, looking even more troubled than before. He sleepily swiped at his face with a hand and turned onto his belly, one hand under his body, one under the pillow, no doubt fingering the kabar that Gibbs knew that he would have resumed putting under his pillow now that he was sleeping alone again.

Gibbs stayed on his knees, ignoring the pain of the hardwood floor on his bad knee, and stared at Tony. Even in the guest bedroom Tony stayed on his side of the bed, hugging the edge. What had he done to this man? This man who had been so full of life, so full of love, so ready to embrace Gibbs in all his painful glory.

Tony looked lost and defeated in his sleep.

Gibbs kissed his forehead again gently, and Tony’s brow creased as his frown deepened.

“Tony,” Gibbs whispered, one hand on Tony’s cheek.

Tony’s eyes began to open and Gibbs saw a sliver of bright green before Tony frowned. “Gibbs?” he rasped, not really awake. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Gibbs whispered. “Sleep.”

Tony grunted and pouted, mumbling incomprehensibly, before he drifted back into sleep.

And Gibbs’ heart pounded, and his chest hurt, and he felt the need to throw up. Because he was losing Tony. He hadn’t lost him yet. But he knew himself. He knew how he worked. He would only keep pushing Tony away. It’s what he’d done to all of his ex-wives. Not that Tony deserved it. Some of the ex-wives had deserved that treatment, but never Tony. Not his beautiful, wonderful, amazing Tony. Tony didn't deserve this treatment but it was all he could allow himself to do now. Even though Tony was everything to him, his life, his soul.

He couldn’t live like that, his heart torn in two.

He knelt there and stared at Tony, swallowing the words that wanted to bubble up, spill out of him in a primal roar.

_I love you._

_I don’t deserve you._

_Please come back to me._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

_I’m so fucking sorry I’ve hurt you._

_It’s my fault. It’s all my fault._

_Don’t leave me._

The crushing weight of the pain of losing Tony came down on him and all he could do was kneel there and take it, take the pain and the blame and the guilt and the sorrow. His chest hurt and bile rose in his throat, but he refused to let it overtake him. He deserved the pain for what he had put Tony through. He deserved it all.

When Gibbs was able to control his heart rate and the pain in his chest eased away, he leaned and kissed Tony’s forehead, his eyes, and his cheek, before he stood and walked back to the master bedroom. He eased himself into the bed and laid, staring at the ceiling, awake until the early light of dawn crept in through the windows.

He heard movement in the guest bedroom and pretended to be asleep when he heard his door open silently. Floorboards creaked softly as Tony approached the bed, and then the same floorboards creaked as Tony padded away, closing the door silently behind him. He heard Tony shower in the guest shower and the small sounds of Tony getting dressed and getting his things ready for work.

When he heard Tony’s car start, he opened his eyes, feeling that crushing weight on his chest again.

And after he showered, he opened the closet to choose the clothes he would wear that day. That was when he realized that Tony’s clothes were no longer in the master bedroom closet. Tony had disguised it somewhat by spreading Gibbs’ clothes, hanging things that Gibbs had stopped hanging when he gave up half his closet to Tony. Tony’s half wasn’t bare, but it certainly didn’t house his expensive suits, shirts, or ties, and the bottom of the closet no longer contained Tony’s plentiful shoes. Tony had really moved out of their bedroom. Out of his and Shannon’s bedroom. Tony had given him Shannon’s room back. But at what price?

He found himself sinking onto the floor, the weight on his chest so heavy it was unbearable, and when he finally pulled himself together, his cheeks were wet and his eyes were swollen. But he went to work and nothing was different even though everything was different.


	6. Derek - Spring 2016

[](http://imgur.com/C3crXRg)  
  


**Derek – Spring 2016**

 

Derek jerked awake when he felt the bed dip and his arm shot out to catch Tony. He ended up gripping Tony’s hipbone as he tried to scoot off the bed.

“Baby?” he rasped.

“Shhh,” Tony whispered, leaning back to run his fingers through Derek’s hair and soothe him. “Go back to sleep.”

“Wait,” Derek’s grip on Tony tightened. “Don’t go.”

The younger man rolled back onto the bed and back into Derek’s arms. He kissed Derek’s cheek gently. “I have to go,” he whispered.

“Stay with me,” Derek whispered back. And he didn’t just mean for the night. He meant forever.

“I can’t,” Tony told him sadly, understanding what Derek was asking him. “Derek, I can’t. It’s time for me to go.” And Derek knew that Tony meant forever as well. Which was unacceptable.

“Please,” Derek knew he was begging. “Please, baby.”

Tony closed his luminous green eyes, his expression one of pain and regret. “It’s over. You know it is.”

“No,” Derek shook his head, his blue eyes determined. “It doesn’t have to be.”

“It does,” Tony told him softly. “I’m so sorry Derek. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Then stay,” Derek insisted, wanting to dig in his heels and stomp his feet.

The younger man sighed as Derek’s arms went around him and held him tight. “Derek…” he breathed. “Please don’t make this more difficult than it already is.”

“Don’t leave,” Derek pleaded, refusing to give up, one hand fisting Tony’s hair as he fused their lips together. Tony kissed him back, but he was holding back and not throwing himself into the kiss like he usually would. “Fuck, please, baby. Please don’t go.”

“I can’t stay,” Tony whispered back in between kisses. “This isn’t fair to you and we both know it. I can’t keep doing this to you.”

“I’d rather have you with me in whatever way than not have you at all.”

Tony shook his head and pulled his lips away. He sighed as he put his forehead on Derek’s. “Derek, I’m doing the right thing.”

“No,” Derek objected.

“Yes, Derek. This is the right thing for you. For us. I can’t keep using you when there are feelings involved.”

“Doesn’t matter to me. Why should it matter to you?”

“It does matter, Derek,” the pain in Tony’s voice made Derek close his eyes, although he didn’t loosen his grip. “You matter. That’s why I can’t stay.”

“Please,” Derek whispered.

Tony’s arms were around Derek, and he rubbed the naked flesh there soothingly. “It’ll be OK,” he whispered. “You’ll meet someone else. Someone way better than me. Someone who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

“I only want you.”

Tony kissed his forehead gently. “I wish I did love you,” he whispered. “Goodbye, Derek.”

Derek’s hold tightened as Tony tried to slip away, and he began rubbing himself suggestively on the younger man.

“Shit, Derek, you can’t keep fucking me to stop me from leaving,” Tony snorted, even as he felt his dick harden and rise to meet Derek’s.

Derek glared at him and kissed him fiercely, and Tony kissed him back but again, held back. He kissed him back only enough to not be completely motionless, ignoring his cock, hard again against Derek’s hip.

“You still want me,” Derek said fiercely.

“It’s not enough,” Tony was infinitely gentle.

“I’m not enough, you mean,” Derek was bitter now.

“Oh, Derek,” Tony was truly regretful. “I wish you were. It’s not fair to you for me to stay. You deserve to be enough. You should find someone, someone who will think you’re their everything and more than enough for them.”

Derek’s hand went around Tony’s cock and he began stroking him, eyes blazing, gazing almost unblinkingly at Tony’s face as he tried to contain his moans and stop squirming and writhing. But then Tony’s phone rang and Tony slipped out of Derek’s grasp and rolled off the bed, pulling his clothes on as he breathlessly answered the phone.

“Uh huh. Got it. I’ll call the boss. Yup. Be right there.”

A quick rustle of clothes, and then Tony was hopping from one foot to the next as he put his shoes on. Tony stopped for a moment in the bathroom and on his way out, stopped to kiss Derek’s forehead.

“Bye, Derek. Be happy,” Tony whispered, before he quietly slipped out.

Derek laid awake for hours staring at the ceiling. He finally fell asleep when he realized that Tony’s things were still in his closet and his drawers. He would still get a chance to convince Tony to stay when Tony swung by to pick up his things.

A couple of days later, he stopped to pick up his dry cleaning at lunch, having texted Tony a few times with no reply. But that wasn’t unusual. Sometimes Tony was smack in the middle of an investigation and had no time to text him. He would probably get a quiet, exhausted sounding text late that night. Tony would check in with him eventually. Tony usually did. Even after their last conversation, Tony hadn’t shut him out yet.

But when he got home from work, he opened his closet door to hang up the dry cleaning and found that none of Tony’s clothes were still hanging in it. He checked his chest of drawers and again, only his things were left. And the empty space where Tony’s clothes used to be reverberated in his empty heart.

Tony was really leaving him this time. He couldn’t be. He couldn’t.

Derek sent him a quick text: _We need to talk_.

He sat on the bed and stared at the empty spaces in his closet and drawers, and sat there, heart pounding, staring at the emptiness in his house, not believing his eyes. Tony must have broken in while he and Lauren were out to do this. Which was completely unfair. He was supposed to use it as an opportunity to lure Tony back into bed and back into their fun, casual, no-strings-attached relationship. If that was the only way he could get Tony, he was fine with that. But this? This was not fine. This was not acceptable at all. Tony was leaving him. Tony was really leaving him.

No. He wasn’t going to accept it. He was going to fight for Tony because he loved Tony. Because Tony deserved to be with people who loved him. Because Tony deserved to be loved. It was OK that Tony didn’t love him. He’d already made his peace with that. But he wanted Tony to still be in his life, in his arms, even if Tony couldn’t love him back. He had enough love for them both to make it. The empty spaces in his closet was a stark echo of the emptiness in his heart and his life if he were to let Tony go.

An hour later, his phone buzzed with a text from Tony.

 _I’ve said all I needed to say. It’s over_.

He sent a reply right away: _Please, let me say what I need to say. Please, baby_.

He paced his room, willing the phone to buzz. This time it only took a couple of minutes.

_Fine. I’ll try to swing by when I can._

Derek sent a thank you text and immediately began plotting. He would make Tony a key to the house so Tony wouldn’t have to break in to put his stuff back. He would make Tony’s favorite meal, if Tony gave him enough warning. He would send flowers to Tony’s apartment. He knew he had to stay away from Tony’s work place – that was a hot button and if he went there, Tony would be more than upset. It was a boundary he knew not to cross.

He had to handle this carefully. He had to convince Tony that their relationship was fine the way it was and nothing needed to change if Tony didn’t want it to. He could suppress his feelings. It wasn’t like he’d been smothering Tony with love. He’d been hiding his feelings. How he felt should have no bearing on whether they should break up or stay together. No bearing at all.

He was going to find a way to keep Tony. He was not going to lose him just because he loved Tony and Tony didn’t love him back. Plenty of people stayed together and were relatively happy without any love at all, so why should it matter that one of them loved the other but it wasn’t reciprocated?

He ignored the hurt, buried it deep, because he loved Tony but Tony didn’t love him back. He would make Tony understand that it was enough that he loved Tony. It wasn’t an imbalance. It wasn’t unfair. You love who you love. Tony staying or leaving wouldn’t change that. So Tony should stay.

He ignored the whispers in his head that wanted Tony to love him back. Wanted to know why Tony didn’t love him back.

He ignored the possibility that Tony wouldn’t come back to him. That his love wasn’t enough. He ignored it all, and made his plans to win Tony back because he loved the man and he didn’t want a future in which Tony wasn’t in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of the vignettes. This story is for my [QueeneoftheDeer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/QueeneoftheDeer), who prompted me with Graham Nash's [Sleep Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs72DMHb5jw). My Queene, you've been a supporter of my fics from the beginning, and I thank you so much for it, and for your friendship in these past almost couple of years. I always enjoy our conversations and it's only fitting that the first story I write for you is inspired by a song prompt, as we do seem to have similar tastes in music. :D I hope you enjoyed it, even though it was a sad story.
> 
> I also blame the angst on this sad song, and encourage everyone to give it a listen.
> 
> Also, many thanks to my friend [Red_Pink_Dots](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots) who kindly created the gorgeous artwork for this series. Check out the [art post](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11121165) that she created for this! You can also see the artwork right here in the beginning of this chapter, the beginning of this story, and also in the [Yellow Brick Road series page](http://archiveofourown.org/series/545161). She also was the one who suggested Richard Burgi to be cast as Derek, and she also omegaread this fic. Merci beaucoup, my friend. Bisous et calins from me, always.
> 
> I'll be turning back to my WIPs and trying to figure out my NCIS Big Bang story as well, so stay tuned for more (eventually)! :D
> 
> Thank you, also, for all of the comments and kudos for this terribly sad story. I know there's no ending to this, and we still have not gotten Tony's POV especially on the relationship with Gibbs. It's on my list of stories to write. I honestly have no idea where the muse will take Tony in this series! It's exciting and scary at the same time. :D
> 
> Thanks again! <3
> 
> -j  
> xoxo


End file.
